7-14-05 They resist 'cos that's what they are there for. To keep a secret locked deep away. Created for that purpose only. Frightened, yeah. I'm taking their jobs away in a sense. Think of it like a mother & her daughter getting married. The mother's job is done in a sense. Some mothers will hold on to their kids as long as they can. That's what it's like.

7-15-05 Eleven isn't the kid who is obsessed w/ clean. Another one is inside. Some of my people don't have names, they just are. I can have convos w/ them. Sometimes they do stuff w/o my knowledge, that is when things are rough on me. They are doing their jobs, not trying to add stress. When I'm stressed is when I dissociate more.

8-2-05 My People always want more time, that is no big deal, just something I'm used to. They don't give me a difficult time per se. Just think of it as being married. You have to split your time w/ your spouse’s, gotta compromise. Some feelings gonna be hurt, some toes stepped on, some times he feels like going out, you don't... Just add more people you're 'married' to, having 'People' is like a marriage, there's commitment & compromise. Only diff is, ONE body. Gotta share. That's when I use the analogy of siamese twins like Lori & Reba Shappell (oldest living, in 40's now). They adapted to being together, literally. Lori even dated & 'made out'. Reba just blocked it out. You just adapt when you have to & it becomes like second nature. THEN as I said, add on more People... more difficult, but managable. Toes do get stepped on (mine, HA!!), feelings hurt, but we work it out inside.

10-10-08 to a member in my forum

When giving a speech ‘bout abuse, it is okay to be emotional & cry. It shows you cared but also that you have a deep passion for what you are talking ‘bout. People see that & it hits them more deeply when a speaker really believes in what she is saying.

Some people have a hard time w/ trigger words. One of mine is my rapist’s name. What will help is to think of those words as just that- WORDS! They are words w/o action (in your own life). What you could also do if you haven’t already, is share your own story, parts of it. Then you will really capture the audience & they will hear your words that much deeper. Then you can also explain WHY using those words, why this whole presentation is so important to you. Make this presentation personal. Even if you don’t get people coming up to you & saying, Hey I was raped too!, just know that there will be several people in that audience who have been abused at some point in their lives & who knows, THIS may be the catalyst to help THEM seek help!!

When we fight our disorders, we struggle more ironically. You are fighting your mind, your body & YOU ARE WINNING but see, ‘it’ doesn’t want you to win so will do what it takes to draw you back into the depressed, anxious, withdrawn cocoon. Think of it like a cut healing & how it itches like crazy!, that means it’s healing. But don’t scratch it otherwise you will make it worse. Just ride it out, soothe it w/ ointment (in this case, soothe yourself with prayer, Bible reading, talking to friends, walking…) & know that in the end, while it will still be a scar, it will be a small one compared to a large one.

Question: A while ago you mentioned something about a name change. Is that what you were talking about? 

11-18-07

Yeah, when “Wendy” was dying, I became the new Host. I took on the name “Wend”. I want a name change legally & looked into it but it’s so pricey. Have to do Social security, driver’s license, marriage license, all that.

My husb married Wendy. That’s why it’s a bit hard for me ‘cos even tho we share the same Body being DID, “I” did not marry him. But you adapt, just as you do w/ anything else being DID. Just comes w/ the territory. You don’t think in depth; you just do.

Question: What is a “host”? Is that the BODY or is that someone else?...Another dominent person?

11-8-07 The Host is the one who people think of when they see this Body. It’s not necessarily the original personality that was born. Think of it like the Host being the owner of a large company & the workers (the alters) are her responsibility. Tho just like w/ any worker, they can go behind your back. & just like how the owner can’t ‘live forever’, another may take her place & is now the NEW owner. Tho everybody just refers to her as the owner.

I’m The Host but I’m not the original. Born Wendy died (aka integrated). The Host can be a mergen, integrated from other personalities if alters sees fit. That’s why I don’t go by Wendy IRL, tho everybody knows this Body as Wendy. I am Wend now. Wendy didn’t merge but ‘died’. & I get irritated when people think I’m her!

Question: How many alters do you have? Do you know which alter you are switching to before it happens? Like you personally decide which one? Or does it depend on the situation/people present /or other factors?

9-29-07 I have 'bout 20 'regulars'. Meaning the ones that come out on a regular basis. But I have more than that tho most are Fragments & not complete personalities. I don't know who I'm switching to. It tends to go quite fast. I find out later IF they are willing to tell me. Or if I'm co-conscious, I can tell who & why but it's like waking up from a deep sleep. You're still groggy so it takes you a few minutes to get your bearings. Sometimes I switch like a revolving door w/ many People being out. We don't decide. It's usually whosever needed for their 'job'. i.e. if I have anger, my Angry Alter will be coming out. We have asked some to come out i.e. The Kids to play so the Body on the outside can relax a bit. Most times tho, people are not willing to come out unless they have to. It's a deep job & can be very fatiguing.

Question: You mention forgetting people, whom you've lived with or met before. Some people come up to you & introduce themselves to you again. Does a second introduction help? Does the way in which they are introduced help? Is it just good timing? (i.e. internal calm) Or is it just random on off switches?

And- On any given day, I will go through a 1/2 dozen mood swings...yay healthy food, boo exercise, yay T.V., yay exercise… Do YOUR alters go through mood swings? Or are THEY the mood swings...? And if a happy alter goes through a sad mood swing when you NEED a happy alter... what happens?

9-18-07 For the forgetting people & introducing, I just need someone to remind me I know them. Then the wheels will turn & logic will become reality. Think of it like this, you know how we all say, Oh it’s on the tip of my tongue but can’t remember it? But something may walk by you, a word was said & AHA! it triggers the memory & you’re like OHHH that’s it! Now I remember! When they introduce themselves, it’s that trigger (remember triggers aren’t necessarily all bad) that helps get it off ‘the tip of my tongue’.

Doesn’t matter the way, the timing or anything. ‘course the more they say, the easier it will be to set the wheels in motion. Like how you play an association game. & you’re trying to guess what that word is. More examples, more likely you can make the correct guess.

I need constant. I don’t remember thru feelings but I do know thru repititions. I go to the library M & Th’s. I don’t remember going or having to go, I just know M & Th’s I go to the library. I don’t think; I just do. If I could see someone same time, same place, that’s what helps me the most. I need my routine, my constant.

On to the 2nd question. Remember they are individuals & have their own likes, dislikes, & moods. Some are more quiet, others more loud. To the outside world who doesn’t know I am DID, they just see rapid mood swings.

If a ‘happy alter’ was having a bad day, then we all rally to make up for that change. Just like if you were working at a company & someone has the day off, the others have to pick up the slack. That’s what we do. We are individuals but we are together.

Question: Since someone w/ DID can have different types of alters (men, women, children, white, black, old, young…), How would you know?

9-14-07 LOL good question! I can see mine. I have brunette hair & some inside have blonde. Some are short, some tall. I myself don't have any others besides white.

I have a kid artist, aptly named Artist, who drew what some of us looked like & it was really different. I can see them in the mind but when it's in black & white, it tends to blow you away more.

We each have rooms too as well as a 'family' room we all have meetings. Just think of being DID as a big BIG family. Each member w/ their own personality, room, things & you can come together for dinner & watching TV. Only this is all in the Mind.

Questions: If you have to have a traumatic event to "split"...do you remember not having your alters BEFORE "it"?

8-24-07 I’m so used to my alters that I cannot imagine a life w/o them. I’ve had them since I was 7, maybe before so this is just the way it’s always been for me.

Have to remember, most people who are DID had trauma at a young age when they were impressionable. Even the average adult cannot recall what life was like when they were a kid!

No emotion is attached & the memories I do have don’t feel real.

Questions: What is a trigger? Is it when you switch or is it something that MAKES you switch?

8-13-07 Anybody can use the word ‘trigger’. It’s when something may invoke pain, fear, sadness, etc in another person. i.e. seeing a sad movie may ‘trigger’ tears. For DID, it can go a step further where we switch w/ a trigger. It’s something that MAKES you switch.

It can be non-DID also i.e. someone has a fear of dogs. If they hear a dog bark, their body can go all rigid, their heart races, etc. They don’t have DID, or any other disorders per se like anxiety, they just have a phobia w/ dogs. The dog is the trigger. Or if somebody is afraid of flying, if they are in the terminal, even just picking up a friend, they can get all panicky & sick to their stomach. Again, doesn’t mean they are DID or mentally ill.

7-21-07 DID is not the only dissociative disorder out there. There are a few & you don’t have to lose full time to not struggle.

Since I’m not a doc, I cannot dx you. I can just say look at some sites, journals. Everybody in this world dissociates. It’s a natural response. Not just to trauma. Think of watching a movie & you are so intent, you forget the person next to you! That’s not a disorder; that’s just normal.

It becomes a disorder w/ the frequency & intensity. If it disrupts day to day living.

Sexual abuse is common among dissociatives but it’s not the only abuse out there. I was kinda irked that the popular Three Faces of Eve became DID w/ 3 personalities only ‘cos she went to her g-ma’s funeral & had to touch the body.

But cannot judge. One thing may be trauma for one but not another. I’m the only one w/ DID in my immediate family & I wasn’t abused ‘nearly as bad’. I’m the youngest so my mid sis took our g-pa to court & tried to protect me. My eldest sis was raped by g-pa whereas my mid sis ‘only’ was molested.

So who knows why some develop a disorder & others don’t. Don’t focus on that. It’s the fact you suffered & that’s what we all will deal with.